The Oyster Kiss

Closing one door puts you in a hallway with countless new doors to open.


The relationship rain clouds have parted ways and sunshine is peeking back into my life.

I am here, and I am going to live it up as much as possible!

After a few weeks of online fumbling, my first in-person date has been set. 

From my novice experience, this guy handled things very well.  He asked the right questions, engaged the correct amount and made me giggle just enough. He then asked to make plans at what felt like the appropriate point in time.  

Either this man is a natural, or he has done this so many times it has become clock work. He is an operator on a Twinkie manufacturing line, filling every cake with his pastry cream.  

He picks dinner at a place that is simultaneously casual and nice (the smooth date master persistently at work).  In my opinion, the ability for someone to make decisions and take control is an INSANELY HOT quality.

Leading up to this first online date I begin to get nervous.  How will I know who he is? What if he doesn’t look anything like his pictures?  What if I don’t look like mine? What if his voice is really high pitched?

Anxiety sets in.

I handle pretty much any emotional situation with awkward humor.  It’s a defense and coping mechanism. I let this set in and work my humorous magic in the pre-date texting.

“How will you know its me?  Will you be holding up a sign with my name on it?”

“No, no, it will be a print out of your online profile.” He says.  

“One mail order bride coming up!” I reply.

YES!  He gets it! Thank god.

My nerves have momentarily settled and I can officially finish getting ready to head out for this new chapter of my life.

We meet, and thankfully we spot each other right away (no signs are necessary).  He is taller than I had anticipated, WINNING!

I slide into the booth seat next to him. This way we can watch the live music in this dimly lit restaurant. And yes, maybe he will touch me due to this close proximity. He has already selected everything that we will be having for dinner.  As a recovering indecisive person, this is very helpful.

Appetizer: Oysters. I could dive into the conscious or subconscious subtext of ordering famously know aphrodisiac food within 15 minutes of meeting. But I will save that for another time.  

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We cheers with our oysters and wine and let the conversation commence.  It flows very easily and I have found myself enjoying the date.  No ugly fights, or tearful conversations about deep hurt emotions and the ideals that our lives aren’t growing together.  

We discuss life, family, aspirations, past relationships and even get into what our love languages are.  He expressed a refreshing outlook on relationships. He wants to be with someone that is positive and doesn’t rely on him to make themselves happy.   FUCK YES.

I am a firm believer that anyone in your life should amplify your emotions, not create them.  The only person that can deeply make you happy is yourself.

“How did I get so fortunate that my first date is going so well?!”  I wonder.

The night winds down, the whimsical 3 hour dinner is coming to a conclusion.  He insists upon paying, and then walks me to my car.

This is the moment of truth. That awkward phase of any date where you wonder, “Will we hug, kiss, shake hands or have zero physical contact?”  

My track record is pretty horrendous when it comes to this, I don’t give off the most welcoming vibes. This typically does not resort in being kissed.
So naturally, I begin to awkwardly ramble on about anything and everything.. surfboards and my car wrack…..

Then it happens, he stops my word vomiting and KISSES me! I might as well melt away into a puddle that drains down the gutter next to my car.  I am not going anywhere, anytime soon.

The fact that his kissing is absolutely HORRIBLE doesn’t even phase me. He even made a “mmmmm, muuuahhhh” noise while kissing me with closed lips.

“WTF is that?” I thought. “Maybe this was why he ordered oysters?”

My hungry pussy could care less and is beginning to get wet. His strange noises may as well have been a live performance by John Legend for all this Twinkie cake cared.

This is my first male physical contact from what feels like a 15 year hiatus.  How people are celibate is one shoe I cannot seem to put my foot in.

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I pull myself together, say goodbye and get in my car. I check my phone. I have about 5 text messages and missed calls from friends. They wanted to make sure I was okay, haven’t been kidnapped or thrown into the ocean for the sharks to feed on.  They love me so much.

Heading home I feel a great sense of calmness and joy.  This date reminded me that positive relationships and interactions are possible.  There ARE other people out there in this world that I can connect with!

Coming out of a long-term relationship is difficult and this was a beautiful reminder that closing one door puts you in a hallway with countless new doors to open.

I have officially walked back into the building, and this building is not a single-story home, it is a college fraternity house with a new door every 2 feet. Some doors open to noisy kisses some doors open to……



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