Now that I belonged to the online dating world, an entire sea of men have become instantly available. What is a girl to do?!
Cuddled up on my couch, phone in hand, I skeptically began to take my first swipe.
The app loads and I ambivalently review my first contestant.
He was mildly overweight and was one of those guys that really only looks good with a baseball hat on. I was not impressed. Hard pass=Left swipe.
With a deep sigh I was already beginning to feel defeat.
Irregardless of this first impression, I committed to a few more minutes. I could not allow the time spent setting up the profile go to waste!
Things started to get better as I began to wade through the murky waters looking deeper and at more profiles. I began to review all their photos and read their “About Me” sections. I found myself naively giggling at what I initially thought were original jokes. I would soon learn that everyone talks about how much their mother loves them, how they are willing to “hold a door open for you” and how much they love spending taco Tuesday having witty banter with a woman.
And them BOOM…it happened, my first match. The screen showed our profiles bang together as if our connection was serendipitous magic. As opposed to the truth: some form of a premeditated algorithm suggested our profiles to each other leading to an ultimate match.
I was ecstatic! I felt like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde when she thinks she’s going on a date so Waren can propose. Except he dumps her instead…
This gave me an immediate sense of sickening satisfaction. This person liked me..this is FUN!
I imagine this is what taking heroin feels like..you love the feeling it gives and you immediately want MORE!
I wanted more BOOM!’s more connections!
I began feverishly fishing in this sea as is Moses was about to part the waters and access to the abyss was going to stop. I was pulling up shallow water fishes, shellfish, deep sea fish, types of fish I didn’t even know existed!
My mercury count was about to be at an all time high. Like a can of tuna, health warnings should be included on each profile.
Once this boom of lovers had been sufficiently collected, I looked back and realized my boat was on the verge of sinking. I could not keep all of these fish on board!
Weeding through, I picked a few top contenders to contact..
Exhibit A: GARY
Profile Summary: He grew up in SoCal, likes to surf and loves his family. What really sold me was an adorable photo of him with a golden retriever puppy. This dog was cuter than any guy I had yet to see on the dating site. Seeing that adorable ball of fluffy love caused a knee-jerk reaction resulting in me swiping right.
The conversation began and continued with some dry and boring rhetoric. He almost immediately asked me for my number, which I naively gave to him. I did not foresee what would proceed to unfold.
He immediately CALLED me.
I did not know what to do in the moment, holding my phone seeing his name pop up on my screen. SHIT…. an actual, real life phone call….FUCK!
I didn’t know people still did that. The only person who calls me on rare occasion is my mother, and that is typically to make sure I am still alive and breathing.
I love to call people, but they usually don’t answer and then immediately reply with a text “whats up?” This is baffling to me…you have your phone on you, you are not doing anything, why can’t we talk on the phone?? I digress….
Luckily I was at work and in no place to answer any phone calls from unmet suitors. Honestly though, if I hadn’t been at work and was lying out at the beach with nothing to do, for some reason, I still would have not answered his call.
I sent a short reply about being at work. He then proceeded to blow up my phone via text, social media and phone calls the following few days. One example:
I was freaked out by his incessant contact, his phone calling activity, and this incredibly insecure statement. I officially was not interested in going on a date, or meeting him at all.
I immaturely started the slow fade: delayed replies that decrease in length, sentenced decreased to 2 word replies which ultimately decreased down to no reply.
I hope Gary finds someone that is just as cool as him and she answers all of his phone calls.
This was NOT the initial interaction I had hoped for. I walked away from it feeling conflicted around the dating app, feeling bad for having to pull a slow fade and feeling the need to lower my shine so guys would feel “as cool” around me. All together….not a stellar start.
Like anything in life, I was destined to learn a lesson or two from Gary. And here they are:
- Feel someone out before handing over your personal phone number.
- Follow your instincts. If you see someone’s name pop up on your phone and you want to run away…you probably should run (or politely inform them of your desire to go separate ways)
- No matter how cute someone’s puppy is, don’t let that be the only reason you connect. You are here to meet men, not dogs.